Bah bloody humbug!
Hmmmm, depression, you've either got it or you ain't and I know for sure I have it at the moment. It's been three years since my wife and I decided to split up and I look back over this period of time and think to myself "What the f*** have you done with your life since!"
Okay, I've completely changed career and in a sad/sadistic way I enjoy my new job. Well I say sadistic in a light hearted sense, I really do not enjoy seeing dead people!?!?! However, there's something still missing in my life and quite frankly I am feeling very alone.
I blame an instructor from my local gym who asked me a question a couple of weeks ago "Do you enjoy being alone?" I had never thought about my situation in those terms before and now it's all I can focus on. The obvious answer is of course "NO" but it's the way of dealing with the problem that is the most depressing fact. I do not rank myself as being one of mankind's Adonis types with charisma and sex appeal that makes women fall at my feet. Okay, I had a boost back in August when a lovely younger lady said I was an attractive bloke and spent the night with me, but I can't help but think it was the beer goggles/translator that night that influenced her opinion.
The instructor at the gym herself went on to say that she didn't enjoy being alone when she had split up with her partner, but bearing in mind she almost resembles the "fallen Madonna with the big boobies" I doubt she was alone for too long. False boobs, I can spot them a mile off. There was/is an amusing site on the web somewhere that has a test to spot which of the breasts presented to you are fake or real. I scored 100% on this so I'm not sure what that makes me.
Anywho, back to my depression. I fancy the pants off this woman from the gym, to protect the innocent I will call her Gerald. Gerald's got a partner who lives in another country and their relationship may be on slightly shakey grounds. Going by my own standards Gerald is far too good for me, she is a good friend, but it still doesn't stop me having feelings for her. I am now left with a quandry. Do I let her know how I feel and possibly bugger up our friendship or do I just keep quiet and continue to follow the path of depression or become a modern day recluse? Any answers, assuming anybody reads this junk, will be much appreciated. Either way it has pushed me into a state that I haven't felt for a long time.
I'm not a nasty person, despite the job, I could be caring but I just don't believe I've had the chance in a long time. Another EXTREMELY close friend of old told me that I don't know how to open up to people. Hmmm, to a certain degree she has a point but I could not open up to her as, well, our relationship was complicated.
People say I am pessimistic, they've probably got a point but I wonder how much of that is down to general depression as a whole. Other people wonder why I sympathise with people who commit suicide. It's simple, I've been there, tried that and got the t-shirt. The common expression is "People who commit suicide are only thinking about themselves and don't think about other people". Yup, you're right and unless you've been there yourself you just can't understand. The impression you get is that nobody would care whether you are alive or not and you certainly do not consider the consequences of someone finding your body be it a few hours later or a number of weeks later when it resembles soup!?!?! Incidentally I tried to commit suicide three times but as I was young I only did a half arsed job so here I am. Don't tell my parents as they didn't believe me when I originally told them back then. Now I've grown up they might be devastated!
My God, this is a depressing blog tonight, sorry about that, but I guess it's the only way I can get things out of my system. Write them down on an electronic format that nobody reads! Well at least on this particular site.
Anyway, moving swiftly on. Had the weekend off and was in my local policing town tonight. Hmm, there were a number of ambulances running about, seems I may have made a good decision to have the time off. Feel slightly guilty though.
Christmas, glad I'm working (volunteered of course), bah bloody humbug!
Favourite Christmas record lyrics "They said there'd be snow at Christmas. They said there'd be peace on earth, but instead it just kept on raining, etc. . . . the Christmas we get we deserve!"
Will update before the festive season really begins, hopefully, but if I don't have good one yourselves!!!!
Hmmmm, depression, you've either got it or you ain't and I know for sure I have it at the moment. It's been three years since my wife and I decided to split up and I look back over this period of time and think to myself "What the f*** have you done with your life since!"
Okay, I've completely changed career and in a sad/sadistic way I enjoy my new job. Well I say sadistic in a light hearted sense, I really do not enjoy seeing dead people!?!?! However, there's something still missing in my life and quite frankly I am feeling very alone.
I blame an instructor from my local gym who asked me a question a couple of weeks ago "Do you enjoy being alone?" I had never thought about my situation in those terms before and now it's all I can focus on. The obvious answer is of course "NO" but it's the way of dealing with the problem that is the most depressing fact. I do not rank myself as being one of mankind's Adonis types with charisma and sex appeal that makes women fall at my feet. Okay, I had a boost back in August when a lovely younger lady said I was an attractive bloke and spent the night with me, but I can't help but think it was the beer goggles/translator that night that influenced her opinion.
The instructor at the gym herself went on to say that she didn't enjoy being alone when she had split up with her partner, but bearing in mind she almost resembles the "fallen Madonna with the big boobies" I doubt she was alone for too long. False boobs, I can spot them a mile off. There was/is an amusing site on the web somewhere that has a test to spot which of the breasts presented to you are fake or real. I scored 100% on this so I'm not sure what that makes me.
Anywho, back to my depression. I fancy the pants off this woman from the gym, to protect the innocent I will call her Gerald. Gerald's got a partner who lives in another country and their relationship may be on slightly shakey grounds. Going by my own standards Gerald is far too good for me, she is a good friend, but it still doesn't stop me having feelings for her. I am now left with a quandry. Do I let her know how I feel and possibly bugger up our friendship or do I just keep quiet and continue to follow the path of depression or become a modern day recluse? Any answers, assuming anybody reads this junk, will be much appreciated. Either way it has pushed me into a state that I haven't felt for a long time.
I'm not a nasty person, despite the job, I could be caring but I just don't believe I've had the chance in a long time. Another EXTREMELY close friend of old told me that I don't know how to open up to people. Hmmm, to a certain degree she has a point but I could not open up to her as, well, our relationship was complicated.
People say I am pessimistic, they've probably got a point but I wonder how much of that is down to general depression as a whole. Other people wonder why I sympathise with people who commit suicide. It's simple, I've been there, tried that and got the t-shirt. The common expression is "People who commit suicide are only thinking about themselves and don't think about other people". Yup, you're right and unless you've been there yourself you just can't understand. The impression you get is that nobody would care whether you are alive or not and you certainly do not consider the consequences of someone finding your body be it a few hours later or a number of weeks later when it resembles soup!?!?! Incidentally I tried to commit suicide three times but as I was young I only did a half arsed job so here I am. Don't tell my parents as they didn't believe me when I originally told them back then. Now I've grown up they might be devastated!
My God, this is a depressing blog tonight, sorry about that, but I guess it's the only way I can get things out of my system. Write them down on an electronic format that nobody reads! Well at least on this particular site.
Anyway, moving swiftly on. Had the weekend off and was in my local policing town tonight. Hmm, there were a number of ambulances running about, seems I may have made a good decision to have the time off. Feel slightly guilty though.
Christmas, glad I'm working (volunteered of course), bah bloody humbug!
Favourite Christmas record lyrics "They said there'd be snow at Christmas. They said there'd be peace on earth, but instead it just kept on raining, etc. . . . the Christmas we get we deserve!"
Will update before the festive season really begins, hopefully, but if I don't have good one yourselves!!!!
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